I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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