I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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