I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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