I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
