I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
