I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
