Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
