Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
