i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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