i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
