final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
