You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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