she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
