It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
