Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
