The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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