Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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