How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
