Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
