Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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