Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
