So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
