I'm so fucking centered right now
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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