ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
