I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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