In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
