do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize