i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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