fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
