I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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