remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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