Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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