so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
