Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
