need another drink. this is the easiest way
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
third nipple confirmed
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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