alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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