Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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