You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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