I skipped work to stalk him.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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