after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
