finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
