ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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