If that was your dad, he is hot
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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