im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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