Your dad touched me again.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I need to wash the frat house off of me
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
we should paint friendship bongs
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
