My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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