I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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