so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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