can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
