I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
