I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
