Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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