Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
