I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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