Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
