The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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