just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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